Full-Length Play

Is this any way to find congressional candidates?

Three potential congressional candidates find themselves locked in a fight for more than just the candidacy. Inspired by David Hume's Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion.

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or watch a Zoom reading by IATI Theater, June 2020 (click here).

Or see EXCERPT below.

LENGTH: 95 minutes

CAST: 3M, 1F

SETTING

A conference room in lower Manhattan.

TIME

An afternoon.

CHARACTERS

Demetra Rollins. Female. 38. A science teacher and school board member. Married with kids.

Philip Sandy. Male. 44. A popular columnist and TV commentator of no obvious political or religious persuasion. Gay. Single.

Clint Fullerman. Male. 52. Successful businessman and a minister at a televangelical church. Married with one son.

Actor #4 (Male):

The "Voice"

Doctor

Priest

God

Therapist

Various Voices

Man

PRODUCTION HISTORY

2020: LIVE ZOOM READING, Cimientos Play Development Program, IATI Theater, New York City.  Watch it here.

2019: Reading, University Faculty Drama Club, Bloomington, IN.

PUBLICATION

A monologue was published in The Best Men's Monologues 2021, Smith & Kraus. 

EXCERPT:

SCENE 1

PROJECTION: A digital clock: 12:59.

DEMETRA ROLLINS enters the conference room. Tries all three seats before choosing one. PHILIP SANDY enters. Carries a small backpack.

PHILIP

Oh, hi. Hope I’m not late.

DEMETRA jumps up.

DEMETRA

Oh, no, not at all. I was worried I was late. I’m Demetra Rollins.

PHILIP

(shaking hands)

Philip Sandy. Nice to meet you. Demetra—nice name. Unusual.

DEMETRA

It’s Greek. 

PHILIP

Oh, are you Greek?

DEMETRA

Well, I was named after my grandmother. She was Greek.  Guess that makes me a quarter Greek, though I haven’t done one of those Ancestry DNA tests, so who knows?

PHILIP

Do you think this party attracts many Greeks?

DEMETRA

Why wouldn’t it? They want a better life as much as anyone else. And they gave us democracy! What’s not to like about the Greeks?

PHILIP

Well, maybe all that gay stuff. You know, Socrates and the boys and all that.  

DEMETRA

Wait—are you saying the Party’s homophobic? I can’t work for them if that’s true!   

PHILIP

No, I just mean I’m not sure exactly where they stand on the issue. 

DEMETRA

Shouldn’t you know?

PHILIP

Shouldn’t you?

DEMETRA

I’m sorry. I think I’m starting off on the wrong foot. Would you mind if I sat?

PHILIP

Not at all. May I sit, too?

DEMETRA

Oh, yes, of course. 

DEMETRA and PHILIP sit and look at each other, waiting for someone to begin. Finally— 

DEMETRA (CONT’D)

Should we look at a resume?

PHILIP

Yeah, sure. I’ve got mine right here.

DEMETRA

No, I meant my resume.

PHILIP

No one’s questioning your credentials. 

DEMETRA

I don’t understand. I thought you wanted to check out my suitability. Ask me a few questions. I think that’s what the message said.

PHILIP

What message?

DEMETRA

When you invited me to come down here?

PHILIP

Didn’t you invite me to come down here?

DEMETRA

Oh, my god! Sorry—I mean gosh. Am I in the wrong place? Shit—I mean shoot. I can’t be late for this interview! Is this 425 West Street?

PHILIP

It better be. I’m supposed to have an interview here, too.

A moment of realization. 

DEMETRA

(laughing)

I thought you— 

PHILIP

(laughing)

And I thought you— 

DEMETRA

(a new tone of voice—rambling on)

God, I’m having such a stressful day! Getting the kids off to school was a farce. History Fair Day, you know! Maybe you don’t know. I had to take the whole day off—and good thing, because then my doctor insisted on seeing me, but then he was running late—as usual. And then he told me— 

(deep breath)

Well, I’m not going to worry about all that right now. Anyway, so here I am! But I don’t get what’s happening. Are they interviewing us together?

PHILIP

They must have just screwed up the time. They told me 1PM.

DEMETRA

Right. Me, too. 

PHILIP

So, what do you do?

DEMETRA

Oh, I teach ninth grade science.

PHILIP

Very admirable.

DEMETRA

Ha! That’s what everyone says. I think it’s just a polite way of saying they’d never be caught dead doing it themselves. What do you do?

PHILIP

I’m a writer. 

DEMETRA

You mean you don’t have a real job? Just kidding!

PHILIP

Not that kind of writer. I have several jobs, in fact. I’m a columnist for Weekly Magazine. A contributing editor for the Valhalla Blog. I also appear on . . . Oh, just stuff it, Philip! You’re even starting to bore yourself!

DEMETRA

What’d you say your name was? 

PHILIP

Philip Sandy.

DEMETRA

Philip Sandy—of course! I see your work everywhere! And those TV interviews you do on CNN? Brilliant! Hey, if we’re both being considered for the same slot, I may as well forget it. 

PHILIP

You may be more their style. You’re a much more typical American—despite being one-fourth Greek. You’ve got kids. I’ve got nobody. 

(hopefully)

You’re not a single mom, by any chance? I bet they’d never go for that.

DEMETRA

Sometimes it feels that way, but no. I’ve got a husband. A perfectly fine husband. What do you mean you’ve got nobody? You’re not married?

PHILIP

Well, I was. A long time ago, but . . . I came out—you know—so that put an end to that.

DEMETRA

Wait—so shouldn’t you care about the Party’s views on gay issues?

PHILIP

Exactly—that’s one of the things I’m planning to ask them today. 

DEMETRA

I’ve got a gay brother, by the way.

PHILIP

Before you ask—I don’t have a partner. 

DEMETRA

Oh, I didn’t mean— 

PHILIP

Or a husband. Or children, for that matter. And it gets worse. No brothers. No sisters. No cousins. My father died when I was five. And my mother died—

(sadly)

well, just recently, actually. 

DEMETRA

Oh, I’m sorry.

PHILIP

(breaking down a little bit)

We were very close.

DEMETRA

I’m so sorry.

PHILIP

Some people might think it’s unnatural for a grown man to be so close to his mother. Or a gay thing.

DEMETRA

I have a son—I don’t think that at all. And my brother and mother don’t really get along. 

PHILIP

Well, there was nothing unnatural about our relationship—I can tell you that. She was a loving, dynamic person. A great companion. She was always pushing me to do my best. Now that she’s gone, I’ve got nothing to fall back on but my work. 

DEMETRA

But how much can one person possibly take on?

PHILIP

Oh, I’d give up all the rest for this. It would be a whole new direction for me. I could actually 

do things. Change the world.

(a bit sadly)

Make her proud.

CLINT FULLERMAN arrives. (Wears a suit.) DEMETRA & PHILIP jump up to greet him. 

PHILIP (CONT’D)

Oh, hello. I’m Philip Sandy.

DEMETRA

And I’m Demetra Rollins.

CLINT

Am I in the right place? Conference room B?

DEMETRA

That’s right.

CLINT

I’m Clint Fullerman. I didn’t realize there’d be two of you.

DEMETRA

We think they made a mistake with the time. If you’d like, I can wait outside while you start with Mr. Sandy. I’ve got tests to grade anyway.

CLINT

I was told to come to conference room B at one o’clock to be interviewed—or “assessed.” I think that was their word.

DEMETRA

I don’t understand what’s happening.

PHILIP

Apparently, they’re trying to see how many candidates they can squeeze into one conference room. I thought we were applying for a position, not rushing a fraternity.

CLINT

Hey, whatever they think they need to do. It must be part of their process—see how we interact or something. Let’s just sit down and relax until they come.

They all sit.

DEMETRA

Do you think I should go say something? Maybe they don’t realize we’re all here.

CLINT

I’m sure everything’s planned down to the tiniest detail. Even this waiting. A very impressive organization.

PHILIP

Why don’t we mess with them? Like hide under the table. Or jam the door shut with a chair! Show them we can beat them at their own game.

CLINT

I’m sure you’re just kidding, but this is serious business, don’t you think?

PHILIP

What are you—a school principal or a minister or something?

CLINT

Well, actually, I am a minister.

PHILIP

Oh.

DEMETRA

So, they want someone religious? I was afraid that might be their thing.

CLINT

I would think all political parties wanted candidates who were religious—but in this case they’re probably more interested in my business.

PHILIP

Which is what?

CLINT

I assumed you knew.

PHILIP

Sorry, I don’t get out much.

DEMETRA

Wait—Clint Fullerman—as in Fullerman Express?

CLINT

Bingo. 

DEMETRA

I see your trucks everywhere!

CLINT

Yes, business has been very good, thank the lord. I know the Internet’s putting lots of retailers out of business, poor souls, but it’s been great for us! 

PHILIP

Oh! So, they’re interested in your money.  

CLINT

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

PHILIP

No, no, I like money. I just don’t happen to have a lot of it. And I don’t think it should be the only consideration.

CLINT

They’re interested in you, too, so they obviously consider other things. What exactly do you bring to the party, my friend?

DEMETRA

He’s Philip Sandy—you know, from Weekly Magazine and those special reports on CNN. 

CLINT

I thought you looked familiar. Well, well, Philip Sandy! You’re very talented. But I’ve got to say, I can’t always tell whose side you’re on.

PHILIP

Well, I can’t always tell whose side the New Progressive Libertarian Party is on. I’ll be assessing them just as much as they’ll be assessing me.

CLINT

Good luck with that.

(to Demetra)

And what do you do, dear?

DEMETRA

I’m a ninth-grade science teacher. 

CLINT

Very admirable.

PHILIP

(to Demetra)

Two points!

CLINT

Huh?

DEMETRA

Don’t you think we should say something? I don’t have all day. 

CLINT

Why don’t you call someone? 

DEMETRA

They took my cell phone away at the reception desk. 

CLINT

Just checking—they took mine, too. 

(to Philip)

Yours?

PHILIP

Yes—and just when I was about to reach a new level on Candy Crush!

CLINT

I’m telling you—a very impressive organization! It’s the perfect time for a third party to set this country on the right course. The other two parties haven’t been doing God’s work lately, and isn’t that all that really matters? 

PHILIP

You know, this is all fascinating, but I’m beginning to resent being kept waiting like this. I’ve got an article due today.

CLINT

Feel free to drop out. 

DEMETRA

Are you sure you want to do that, Philip?

PHILIP

You don’t resent being treated like this? What could be so important to justify keeping us waiting so long?

DEMETRA

Maybe they’re busy doing God’s work.

(to Clint)                                                         

Sorry—just kidding—no offence intended.

CLINT

None taken. And maybe you’re right—maybe they’re testing us to see who’s most sincere about doing God’s work.

DEMETRA

Feels more like they’re trying to see how we perform under stress. 

PHILIP

More likely they’re evaluating our leadership potential.  

CLINT

(jumping up out of his seat)

All right, then—I’ll get to the bottom of this! 

CLINT goes to the door but can’t open it. 

CLINT (CONT’D)

How do you like that? The door’s locked!

PHILIP

(dryly)

The plot thickens.

CLINT

This isn’t funny! I can’t be confined like this!

CLINT bangs on the door.

CLINT (CONT’D)

(a desperate plea)

Hey, open this door! Right now!

DEMETRA

Are you all right, Clint? Let me try it. 

(examining the door)

Yeah, see? It’s got a latch. You’ve just got to release it—like this!

(jiggling the latch)

Darn—it’s stuck. C’mon—like this!

DEMETRA keeps trying the latch and doorknob. Finally starts kicking, punching, and pulling the door wildly.

DEMETRA (CONT’D)

Shit! Open up! Let us out of here! Jesus Christ! Open up for God sakes! You goddamn sons of bitches—Fuck! Just let us out of here!

PHILIP

I think someone else just flunked the test.

CLINT

I didn’t flunk any test!

DEMETRA

Sorry! So sorry! 

CLINT

And please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!

DEMETRA

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry . . . I don’t know what came over me—  

(embarrassed)

Whew! I’m glad they didn’t see that . . . Unless—  

DEMETRA looks up and around.

DEMETRA (CONT’D)

Hey, you don’t think we’re on TV, do you? Some prank or reality show?

PHILIP

I don’t see any two-way mirrors.

CLINT

We didn’t sign waivers. They wouldn’t be that sloppy.

DEMETRA

But they could be monitoring us, right? 

CLINT

As I tell my congregation, you should always conduct yourself as if God is watching you—because He is!

PHILIP

Remind me to start wearing my bathing suit in the shower!

DEMETRA

So, what are we supposed to do?

CLINT

Why don’t you tell us something about yourself?

DEMETRA

That’s what they’re supposed to ask—but, okay. Let’s see. Apart from being a science teacher, I’m married with two great kids—Alison’s 13 and Jason’s 17. 

CLINT

What about you, Philip?

PHILIP

I don’t have great kids. I don’t have any kids. I’m basically a loner. I work a lot. I’m not much fun at parties—or I’m the life of the party, depending on who you believe. How about you?

CLINT

I don’t go to parties. Between my business and church, there’s no time. I’m basically a family man. My wife Sandra’s my soul mate. Kip, our son, is an insurance man. Gonna be running a company someday. We’re very close. And that’s about it. I guess we should just relax and wait. 

DEMETRA

Hey, if you guys don’t mind, I’m going to use this time productively and grade some tests.

DEMETRA gets to work. 

PHILIP

Well, all right, if this is turning into a Study Hall, I’ll work on my article.  

PHILIP takes out his laptop. CLINT tries the door again.  

CLINT

You don’t have anything to read, do you?

PHILIP pulls out a magazine.

PHILIP

My latest column?

CLINT

Tempting, but . . . I’ll pass.  

CLINT starts to wander around the room.  

CLINT (CONT’D)

Is it just me or is it hot in here?

DEMETRA

Yeah, it’s getting a little warm. 

CLINT

Look here—there’s a bathroom! 

PHILIP

Good to know. 

CLINT

(brightening at an idea)

Hey, you wouldn’t object if I prayed, would you?

PHILIP

Not if you prayed to get the door unlocked.

CLINT kneels. 

CLINT

Heavenly Savior, thank you for giving me this opportunity to serve you and for providing the company of these very nice folks. 

PHILIP

To yourself, please.

CLINT

Oh, sorry.

CLINT prays silently. DEMETRA and PHILIP continue to work. Finally, we hear a very loud voice.

THE VOICE

(loudly)

You’re ignoring the fact that you’ve all been put here for a purpose!

DEMETRA

(screaming as if in pain)

Owwww!

PHILIP

What’s the matter?

DEMETRA

Sorry! Sorry! That caught me by surprise. And I’m extremely sensitive to noise.

PHILIP

What was that, anyway?

DEMETRA

I don’t know.

(loudly—to the voice)

Excuse me! Were you addressing us? Are you from the New Progressive Libertarian Party? 

CLINT

Well, that’s the darndest thing!

PHILIP

So, they are monitoring us!

DEMETRA

Is that even legal?

. . . 

END OF EXCERPT