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Full-Length Play

A Play in Two Acts by William Ivor Fowkes

When academia is part family, part nest of vipers.

Brilliant professors can be rank amateurs in the field of self-knowledge. Talented young faculty member Ned Jenkins arrives at bucolic Humbert College in upstate New York hoping to achieve his life ambition and become a tenured college professor. Although quickly embraced by faculty and students alike, this “golden boy” can’t help making romantic and political missteps that sidetrack him from his goal and divide the whole campus—including a brush with an unexpected form of sexual harassment.

MEMBER OF THE ACADEMY is a revamped version of the full-length play, ALL IN THE FACULTY. Among other changes, the new play moves events 20 years further into the past (to the late 70s) and eliminates some characters.

LENGTH: 105 minutes

CAST: 6 (2F, 4M)

SETTING

Humbert College, a small liberal arts college in New York's Finger Lakes District

TIME

The late 1970s

CHARACTERS

Professor Ned Jenkins. Male. 29. New untenured member of the philosophy department.

Professor Marlene Bernstein. Female. 32. Tenured member of the French department.

Professor William ("The Duke") Duke. Male. 63. Chair of the English department.

Professor Jock Richardson. Male. 35. Untenured member of the philosophy department. Ned's rival for tenure and other things.

Professor Alfred Giulliano. Male. 54. Chair of the philosophy department. Ned's boss.

Sarah Carter Giulliano. Female. 34. An experimental painter. Wife of Alfred Giulliano.

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or see EXCERPT below.

EXCERPT:

Scene 4: That evening. William Duke’s apartment. 

NED enters a party already long in progress. 

NED

Sorry I’m late.

DUKE

(sternly and threateningly)

Late? You are exceedingly late!

NED

(nervously and solicitously)

Yes, so sorry--but as I explained when you invited me, I had another commitment earlier tonight.

DUKE pats NED on the back.

DUKE

(lightening up considerably)

I’m just giving you a hard time--

(laughing)

—because I can! Anyway, you’ll learn that I’m happy to entertain at any hour, so feel free to show up early, late--even the next day! Just show up!

NED suddenly hands the DUKE a bottle of wine.

NED

Uh, here—sort of like bringing coals to Newcastle, I guess, but all they sell around here is New York State wine.

DUKE

Ah, yes—they’re very proud of their local vintages. 

(dryly)

Don’t ask me why. 

(to the room)

No introductions necessary, right?

ALFRED approaches and shakes NED’s hand or pats his back.

ALFRED

Good to see you, Ned.

DUKE

Now, let me guess—you’re a Jack Daniels man.

NED

A little club soda with ice will be fine.

DUKE

(disapprovingly)

Oh, you’re going to need something stronger than that to survive an evening with these sharks.  

(addressing the room—joking)

Or am I giving away our dirty little secret?

ALFRED

Don’t believe him! We’re all friends here.

DUKE

That remains to be seen. 

NED

A white wine spritzer, then!

DUKE

I guess that’s a start.

The DUKE goes to fix NED’s drink. 

ALFRED

I don’t think you’ve met my wife, Sarah.

ALFRED calls over to SARAH, who sits curled up in her seat with a drink ignoring everyone.

ALFRED (CONT’D)

Say hi to Ned, dear!

SARAH doesn’t respond.

ALFRED (CONT’D)

She’s not quite herself this evening.

DUKE

(delivering Ned’s drink)

Don’t pull that sulking artist’s crap on us tonight, Sarah! 

SARAH

I’m all right, Duke.

The scene freezes as NED addresses the audience.

NED

Sarah Carter Giulliano is Alfred’s wife—his much younger second wife. The only non-faculty member at the party. They met in Greece one summer and were married by Labor Day, but she wasn’t ready for life in Olmstead, NY. She spends her days looking for something—or someone—to break the boredom. 

The scene resumes.

DUKE

All right, then—bottoms up, everyone!

ALFRED

Cheers!

NED

Very nice place you’ve got here!

DUKE

Pardon the clutter, but when you’ve lived here as long as we all have, you’ll discover that you do accumulate a lot. 

NED

We’ll see if I get to stay on that long!

DUKE

That’s why I’m throwing this little soiree, actually. I want to impress on you the importance of courting the faculty. I’m afraid you’ve missed the history department—they travel in a pack and hightailed it out of here the first chance they got. I’ll invite them again—but you’ll have to show up on time. Mary Margaret Dougherty is already a big fan of yours—she made that very clear tonight—but we need to woo her colleagues. Then we’ll branch out into the sciences, where you’ll find the going a bit rougher. 

NED

Gosh, I’m flattered you’d want to help me out like this

DUKE

(embarrassed)

Well, I guess . . . Yeah . . . uh . . . Well, I believe in family, Ned! Humbert College is my family. I want you to be part of that family, too, so I’m going to do whatever I can to help make that happen. No strings attached.

NED

Well, thank you.

The scene freezes.

NED

(to the audience) 

Was this the same William Duke I’d been warned about? Many of my colleagues claimed to be uncomfortable around him, yet he seemed so charming. But as the evening progressed, I learned that an evening with the Duke could take its toll.

(beat)

Uh, let’s fast forward.

NED gestures to indicate a long fast-forward. SARAH remains curled up while the others move around as if in a speeded up silent movie. The DUKE repeatedly fills everyone’s glasses, and they repeatedly drain them. 

NED 

(to the audience)

Two hours later--

The scene resumes at normal speed.

DUKE

(seated and drinking)

Ned, I know you like Mary Dougherty, but you should have seen the way she carried on tonight.

ALFRED

Leave the poor woman alone. You tortured her enough.

DUKE

Poor woman? And people accuse me of being sexist. I don’t pull my punches just because of someone’s gender.

ALFRED

No, you’re definitely an equal opportunity torturer.

DUKE

All I did was ask her for the latest news from the calendar committee. I don’t know why she’d waste her time on such a thing in the first place, but so be it. I simply asked her which side of the issue she was on.

(imitating and mocking Mary)

“Well, both sides certainly have their merits.” Good God, woman! Just tell me which one you personally favor? “I really couldn’t say.” And you were no help, Alfred.

ALFRED

I told you I had no opinion—and I don’t.

DUKE

Ned, you’re not going to grow up and become an indecisive, burned-out academic like your chair, are you?

NED

Uh, I don’t really, uh— 

ALFRED

Fuck you, Duke!

DUKE

Vulgarity is the dialect of the burned-out.

ALFRED

(angrily)

When was the last time you published an article? When was the last time you had a single original idea, for that matter?

DUKE

That’s more like it! And that’s the kind of fire I wanted from Mary.

ALFRED

Ha! Good luck with that! She’s too gracious and respectful.

DUKE

It’s so disappointing to see someone with a good mind like hers transformed into just another—

(said with great contempt)

administrator!

ALFRED

You made that very clear.

DUKE

That’s when she fled for her life along with the rest of her department. Claimed she had to go home to prepare for class tomorrow. What preparation? Like me, she’s been teaching the same damn courses for decades. The truth is—she hates arguments. That’s the trouble with some women in academia—they just don’t appreciate the thrill of a good fight!

ALFRED

(trying to lighten the mood) 

Wanna arm wrestle?

DUKE

No, let’s make better use of our arms. Go make yourselves another drink. The night’s still young.

ALFRED

It’s one AM, Duke!

DUKE

As I said, the night is young! I’ll get us another bottle of Jack Daniels.

The DUKE exits. NED looks around uncomfortably

NED

(finally)

Uh . . . so . . . how do you like living in Olmstead, Sarah?

SARAH

(indifferently)

It’s all right, I guess.

NED

So, from what the Duke said . . . So . . . I gather you’re an artist?

SARAH

(reluctantly)

I don’t know about that.

NED

Oh, I’m sorry—was the Duke joking?

ALFRED

Don’t mind Sarah. She and the Duke are great friends. For some reason, she’s in a funk tonight.  

SARAH

You know perfectly well why!

ALFRED

(to Ned—confidentially)

Sarah loves to create drama!

SARAH

I can hear you!

ALFRED

And yes—she is an artist. She paints.

NED

Oh? What do you paint?

SARAH

(reluctantly)

Hard to describe. It’s really not worth getting into.  

ALFRED

She paints amazing watercolors—highly unusual. I don’t really understand them myself. And sometimes nude line drawings.

SARAH

(sarcastically)

But don’t get too excited—

(said inaudibly—just to Alfred) 

There aren’t a lot of prospects for nude models around here.

ALFRED

(said inaudibly—just to Sarah)

Oh, I’d say you’ve managed to find a subject or two to fill your needs, dear.

SARAH

Yeah, right! 

The scene freezes. 

NED

(to the audience)

I didn’t catch that. Did you? Let’s rewind and turn up the volume.

The scene rewinds and replays with the words delivered clearly and audibly. 

SARAH

But don’t get too excited—there aren’t a lot of prospects for nude models around here.

ALFRED

Oh, I’d say you’ve managed to find a subject or two to fill your needs, dear.

SARAH

Yeah, right! 

The scene freezes again.

NED

(to the audience)

See—I should have paid better attention!

The scene unfreezes. The Duke returns.

DUKE

It’s like a mortuary out here! Ned, have you been putting my guests to sleep?

ALFRED

We’re the ones who pooped out, Duke. And now we really better get going. 

ALFRED helps SARAH up out of her chair.

ALFRED (CONT’D)

C’mon dear, you can do it. We’ve gotta go.  

The DUKE sees ALFRED and SARAH out as Sarah mumbles incoherently.

NED

(to the audience) 

Darn it—I missed my opportunity. Knowing when to leave is apparently an art at the Duke’s. 

The DUKE returns and finds NED studying a sculpture.

DUKE

(more drunkenly)

Oh, that’s just something Chad and I picked up in . . . in New, um, oh, what’s it called? Like Italians—not a nice word . . . Guinea! That’s it—New Guinea! 

NED

Who’s Chad?

DUKE

Chad Mancini. 

The DUKE sits.

DUKE (CONT’D)

I thought they filled you new people in on these things. He was the lacrosse coach. We were quite the odd couple. 

(a moment)

I miss him terribly. 

NED

(looking back at the sculpture) 

Well, it’s quite something! 

DUKE

And the parties we threw! 

NED

You threw a great one tonight, Duke.

DUKE

Oh, tonight was nothing! Chad and I—we knew how to do it!

NED

I wish I’d known him. 

DUKE

Come—sit down!

NED

(eyeing the door)

Well—maybe just for a minute. 

NED sits. 

DUKE

That’s better. 

The DUKE takes a long sip of his drink.

DUKE (CONT’D)

Let me ask you something. Do you like being alone? You have to like being alone to make it in academia.

NED

I guess that’s true. Research is a lonely undertaking.

DUKE

(reflecting)

The loneliness of the long-distance scholar. 

(beat)

I . . . can’t . . . bear it. I can’t. 

NED lets out a poorly executed yawn.

NED

Well, I guess I should be calling it a night. 

DUKE

No, no, I’m not ready to be alone yet. Just one more drink. Please. I want to get to know you better.

NED

Well, sure. Why not?

DUKE gets another drink for NED. Then sits back down.

DUKE

So, Mr. Jenkins. It’s just the two of us now. What say we drop the masks? 

NED

Uh, sure.

DUKE

Nice people, but they can be awfully tiresome sometimes.

NED

Yes, Alfred and Sarah are nice.

DUKE

I meant the others. The ones you missed. The History department.

NED

(uncomfortably)

Well, everyone at Humbert has been so nice . . . It’s a nice place.

DUKE

Nice, nice, nice! Do you realize what an insipid word that is? 

(taking a sip—then slyly)

So, tell me, Ned, are you going to get married?

NED

Oh, I’ve only just started dating Marlene. 

DUKE

Who’s Marlene?

NED

Professor Bernstein. Oh, I thought you meant— Never mind. I’m not engaged or anything, if that’s what you mean.

DUKE

I mean are you the marrying kind? To a woman. You see, I’m the kind of man who can’t marry a woman. A man perhaps, if that were an option, but not a woman. What kind of man are you?

NED

(gingerly)

Oh, I see. Well, if you put it like that, I guess I’d have to say I’m the kind of man who’ll probably marry a woman someday.

DUKE

(very disappointed) 

Oh. I see.

NED

(adding quickly) 

But I have no definite plans at the moment. Who knows?

The DUKE closes his eyes for a long moment as NED looks around the room nervously. Finally— 

DUKE

(with eyes still closed)

You don’t mind finding your own way out, do you?

END OF EXCERPT