Sometimes the visitors are even more intriguing than the works on display.

 

In this "gallery of portraits," an odd assortment of characters pass through some of the world's great museums in search of art, enlightenment, ecstasy, or love. Some find what they're looking for; some lose their way; but all prove that the visitors can be even more intriguing than the works on display.  

 

 

LENGTH: 95 minutes

CAST: Cast of 4 (2m, 2f) playing 26 roles and voices 

SETTING

The Museum of Modern Art, the Uffizi Gallery, the Prado Museum, the Musée Marmottan Monet, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

 

TIME

Now and then.

 

CHARACTERS

Max. Male. 28. Self-involved. Oversexed. Walks with limp.

Chloe. Female. 26. Market researcher. Partially deaf.

Professor. Male. 48. Awkward and pompous.

Alexander. Male. 7. Spoiled and demanding.

Roxanne. Female. 35. Street tough.

Maggie. Female. 23. American tourist with strong opinions.

Margaret Theresa. Female. 5. Spanish royalty. Sensitive, but entitled.

Abigail. Female. 41. Homemaker with good taste. British accent.

Georgiana. Female. 39. Well educated. Well dressed. Aesthete.

Mary. Female. 20. American tourist. Brash, rude, dim-witted.

Maria. Female. 16. 17th century lady-in-waiting.

Eliza. Female. 28. Museum visitor. Saucy.

Brad. Male. 32. Hypochondriac. Obsessive-compulsive.

Dougie. Male. 29. American tourist. Earnest and intense.

Diego. Male. 57. 17th century artist.

Jeff. Male. 44. A corporate executive. Knows the value of things.

Mother. Female. 36. Stressed out. Thrilled by art.

Lara. Female. 27. Sexually aggressive. Possessive.

Joey. Male. 27. American tourist. Enthusiastic.

Jose. Male. 45. The queen's chamberlain. Obsequious.

Landon. Male. 37. A real museum lover. Curious & concerned.

Howard. Male. 29. British. Gay. Protective toward Chloe. 

Security Guard. Male. Good with people.

Uffizi Guard. Male. Italian museum guard. Upset.

Voice. French museum guard.

MOMA Voice. Academic but pleasant.

PRODUCTIONS

2022. Renegade Actors Innsbruck, University of Innsbruck, Austria, June.

2017. Harlequin Productions, Cayuga Community College, Auburn, NY, October-November.

2016. (Excerpt) Khaos Company Theatre, Indianapolis, IN.

 

READING

2017. The Unitarian Universalist Congregation at Shelter Rock, Manhasset, NY, February.

 

PUBLICATIONS

2023 "Roxane" monologue published in The Best Women's Stage Monologues 2023, Smith & Kraus Inc.

2023. "Landon" monologue published in The Best Men's Stage Monologues 2023, Smith & Kraus Inc.

 

AWARD

Selected for presentation at 2017 Theater Association of New York State (TANYS) Festival, Auburn, NY.

 

HONORS

Finalist, Dionysia New Play Competition, Khaos Company Theatre, Indianapolis, IN, 2016.

Semifinalist, Inkslingers, Southeastern Louisiana University, May 2016.

EXCERPT:

 

ACT ONE

 

Scene 1

 

PROJECTION: The Museum of Modern Art, New York

 

SOUND: Electronic music. 

 

SLIDE PROJECTION: A montage of modern paintings and sculptures from MOMA. 

 

After a few moments, the projections stop as the PROFESSOR enters. Walks to center stage. The music fades. 

 

PROFESSOR

(to the audience)

Are you looking for a guide? Do you need a guide? Gather round for a tour of MOMA’s treasures presented by a distinguished professor of aesthetics!

 

When the PROFESSOR starts to speak, the SECURITY GUARD enters. Watches and stares threateningly at the professor.

 

PROFESSOR

(more loudly and urgently)

PEOPLE—listen to me! I have something shocking to share with you!! 

 

SECURITY GUARD

Hey, you!

 

PROFESSOR

(addressing the audience)

I’ll catch you later!

 

The PROFESSOR runs off stage. The SECURITY GUARD runs after him. GEORGIANA enters. GEORGIANA stands facing the audience downstage center.

 

GEORGIANA

I really needed to come here today.

(irritated)

But then this crazy thing happens! 

 

ROXANNE enters. Stands facing the audience downstage right. 

 

ROXANNE

(in a New York accent—mischievously)

I saw her across the room, admiring that sculpture, if that’s what you wanna call it, and thought—Jeez, someone oughtta teach her a lesson. 

 

BRAD enters. Stands facing the audience downstage left.

 

BRAD

(distressed)

I didn’t really see what happened, so I can’t answer your questions. Can I just go home now?

 

GEORGIANA, ROXANNE, and BRAD freeze in place as MAX enters carrying an audio guide. Walks along the front of the stage staring out into the audience as if viewing paintings. Limps slightly. Stops in front of a painting. Pushes buttons on the audio guide.

 

MAX

Here we go—1-9-5!

 

MOMA VOICE 

“Encounter in Giza” was painted during Winslow Zuckerman’s yellow period. 

  

MAX

That can’t be right. Try again. 1-9-5.

 

MAX pushes buttons on the audio guide.

 

MOMA VOICE 

“Encounter in Giza” was painted during Winslow Zuckerman’s yellow period. 

 

MAX

But this painting’s completely blue! 

 

MAX exits as GEORGIANA unfreezes and resumes. 

 

GEORGIANA

(confessionally)

You see, I’m in the middle of a rather ugly dispute with my downstairs neighbor. 

(getting upset)

You wouldn’t believe the cruelty of some people! I don’t even want to discuss it.

(more calmly)

So, I was looking forward to a little reflection and tranquility here.  

 

ROXANNE unfreezes and resumes.  

 

ROXANNE

Look, I’ve been here before, so I know. Ya want arrogance? Ya want hypocrisy? You’ve come to the right place, pal! 

(mischievously)

But, I don’t know, something just sorta came over me today. 

 

BRAD unfreezes and resumes.  

 

BRAD

Man, I think I made a big mistake coming here today. I mean I like excitement as much as the next guy, but now I’m like totally stressed out.  

 

GEORGIANA

(with awe)

You see, I think we’re so blessed to have access to all this right here in this city! Anytime we want—anytime at all! 

 

ROXANNE

I’m lookin’ around, and I’m thinkin’, “I don’t get it!” But you can’t say that, can you? That wouldn’t be . . . uh . . . uh . . . culturally correct. People are such phonies!

 

BRAD

It all started this morning. I’m home thinking, “I can’t do this today.” I think I’m coming down with the Tasmanian flu—you heard about that one? 

 

GEORGIANA

Well, not in the middle of the night, of course. But during the day—just walk over, pay a few dineros, and here you are! Or, like me, get an annual membership. Then pop in anytime you want.  

 

ROXANNE

Like this one room here? It’s got these six humongous paintings. Get this—each one’s a different color. Six paintings. Six colors. And that’s it. That’s it!  

 

BRAD

But I keep sayin’, “Brad, you’re like really into the arts—you should go!” And Saturday’s really my best shot. I mean, forget Sundays—those crowds! 

 

GEORGIANA

I pity the tourists. Mind you, I’ve traipsed all around the great art museums of the world, too. 

 

ROXANNE

I could make these things myself! I’m not kiddin’. Get some paint. Some canvasses. Boom—instant masterpieces by Roxanne! But you think they’d hang them up in the Museum of Modern Art?  

 

BRAD

So, I make myself get dressed. Don’t laugh! On a Saturday? Saturdays are all about chillin’. Just put on—whatever. Like the shirt from last weekend. Just check to make sure it doesn’t . . . you know . . . smell.  

 

GEORGIANA

So, I know what it’s like when your time is not completely . . . well . . . malleable. Then it’s three hours at the National Gallery in London, because this is your only day, or four hours at the Louvre. 

 

ROXANNE

So, who decided to hang these things up in here anyway? Someone’s gotta be sleepin’ with someone! 

 

BRAD

But when you come to MOMA, you’re coming to a place where people check everything out. Not just the art, but the people, too . . . Like me! 

(to the audience)

You judgmental bastards! 

 

GEORGIANA

But can you still absorb anything after the first hour? So, we buy the museum catalogues. They make such beautiful coffee table books nowadays! 

 

ROXANNE

Or how about all the stuff they drag in here from God knows where and then expect—well, what? You can’t shock me, people! I’m a New Yorker, for god’s sake! 

 

BRAD

(deflated)

I almost wanna go back to bed. 

(more confidently)

But, no—I get dressed. Flossed. Put the garbage out. Take the subway from Park Slope—20-minute wait for the D train today! And the grossest guy sitting across from me! But, okay—I’m here!

 

GEORGIANA

But then you think, “Where do I put the coffee with all these books piling up?” Well, okay, everyone goes to Starbucks these days, but you get my point . . . What is my point? 

 

ROXANNE

Okay, I know they don’t just grab any old piece of crap. They’re “artists”—they do a little something to it. Like that old door on the floor there—someone painted a teeny, tiny purple line on it. Then some “curator” dragged it in here and put a tape around it on the floor like it’s some long lost treasure. Like it’s some “masterpiece”!

(getting upset)

And people fall for it! I’m tellin’ ya—I don’t get it!

 

BRAD and GEORGIANA freeze in place. ROXANNE storms out. MAX enters. Walks along the front of the stage, as before, staring out into the audience. Stops in front of a painting. Uses the guide again.

 

MAX

Okay—let’s try 196. 

 

MOMA VOICE

This is considered Winslow Zuckerman’s greatest masterpiece.

 

MAX

I can totally see that! It’s so . . . so . . . dark and profound. So sad and depressing.

 

MOMA VOICE 

Despite the artist’s use of black, note the generally uplifting mood of the work.

 

MAX

That’s what I meant—uplifting!

 

MAX continues looking at paintings as he exits. BRAD unfreezes.

 

BRAD

Next decision: which door do I use? I like the revolving door, cuz you don’t have to deal with the people. But I don’t push the bar—you know, the part you’re supposed to push—because, man, you never know who’s touched it before you.

 

GEORGIANA unfreezes.

 

GEORGIANA

Oh, yes, my point is—I’m just so grateful to be able to drop in here whenever I want. Even if it’s just for a few minutes.

 

BRAD

Then once I’m inside . . . 

 

BRAD takes out a small bottle of Purell. Cleans off his hands.

 

BRAD (CONT’D)

Oh, do you use Purell, too? Ever since Covid, I don’t leave home without it. Yeah, Bro, thanks to this little bottle, I can go anywhere now! 

 

BRAD pulls his mask out of his pocket.

 

BRAD (CONT’D)

(indicating the mask)

Oh, and sometimes I still use this.

 

BRAD puts his mask away and examines the bottle. 

 

GEORGIANA

(enthusiastically)

I feel a transformation as soon as I enter this aesthetic sanctuary. I don’t know where to go—see my old favorites? Or just wander around at random? It almost doesn’t matter—ecstasy awaits!  

 

GEORGIANA exits. 

 

BRAD

Wait a minute! What the . . .?

(getting upset)

It’s not Purell at all! It’s just some generic “Antibacterial Sanitizing Lotion.” Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

 

BRAD freezes in place as MAX enters. MAX walks along the front of the stage, as before. Stops in front of a painting. 

 

MAX

(looking at a painting)

No number on this one. 

(joking—scolding the painting)

Guess you’re not one of Zuckerman’s masterpieces!

 

MAX walks a bit further. Stops in front of another painting. 

 

MAX (CONT’D)

Nice! Okay, tell me about 207.

 

MAX punches in the number. CHLOE enters. Watches MAX. BRAD unfreezes.

 

BRAD

(calming down—just remembering)

Oh, that’s right—they only had the store brand. But it’s exactly the same stuff just in a different bottle, right? God, I hope so! 

 

BRAD exits studying the bottle. 

 

MOMA VOICE 

 “Morning at Abu Simbel” was also painted during the artist’s black period. 

 

MAX

(knowingly)

Obviously.

(more enthusiastically)

But I’m way ahead of you, fella. It’s clearly another one of his optimistic works. Look at the upward thrust of the brushstrokes!

 

MOMA VOICE 

Generally considered Zuckerman’s most pessimistic work, the black strokes stand in harsh contrast to the sunlit background.

 

MAX

I give up. 

(looking around)

Didn’t Zuckerman paint any nudes? 

(disappointed)

Maybe I’ll go upstairs to the photography gallery.  

 

MAX starts to exit.

 

CHLOE

(calling out)

Oh, don’t go! . . . I mean . . .  

 

MAX pauses. Turns. Approaches CHLOE.

 

MAX

(flirtatiously)

Well, hello there!

 

CHLOE

(loudly)

What does the audio guide say about this one? I don’t mean to intrude. I’m just confused.

 

MAX

Oh, uh . . . No problem. Zuckerman’s a hard one to figure out. This is his most pessimistic work.

 

CHLOE

(loudly)

I’m sorry—what did you say?

 

MAX

I said this is his most pessimistic work.

 

CHLOE

(loudly)

Really? I thought that big black one was much sadder.

 

MAX

(joking)

Didn’t your mother teach you to use your inside voice at the museum?

 

CHLOE

(loudly)

Excuse me?

 

MAX

Why are you yelling?

 

CHLOE

(at a normal volume)

Oh, was I? I can’t always tell. You see my left ear’s completely deaf. And my right one’s not much better.

 

MAX

(loudly and distinctly)

Oh, I’m sorry. That must get very frustrating.

 

CHLOE

I don’t like talking about it . . . You sound like you know a lot about art.

 

MAX

(loudly)

Only what the audio guide tells me.

 

CHLOE

And I hate it when people yell at me like I’m a moron. 

 

MAX

Sorry.

 

 CHLOE

Just aim for my right ear. Were you an art history major or something?

 

MAX

(talking into her right ear)

No—philosophy.

 

CHLOE

What do you do with a philosophy degree?

 

MAX

Nothing.

 

CHLOE

(joking)

You mean you’re independently wealthy?

 

MAX

What? Oh, no . . . I work as a copywriter.

 

CHLOE

What’s that?

 

MAX

I work at an advertising agency writing copy for—well, lots of things. Print ads. TV commercials. On-line ads. Banner ads.

 

CHLOE

Oh, like, “Click here for more information”? Did you come up with that?

 

MAX

(ignoring her comment)

And what do you do?

 

CHLOE

I’m independently wealthy.

 

MAX

Oh.

 

CHLOE

Kidding! I work at an ad agency, too.

 

MAX

No shit! Sorry—I mean . . . wow! So, you were just making fun of me?

 

CHLOE

I wanted to see how you’d react. That’s what I do—Market Research.

 

MAX

Intense! So, you like trying to figure people out?

 

CHLOE

Something like that.

 

MAX

Have you figured me out yet?

 

CHLOE

Ya think? Of course not! I’d have to ask you questions or stick you in a focus group. 

 

MAX

You want to go to the cafeteria for some coffee and questions?

 

CHLOE

Why not?

 

MAX

Wait—do you like Amy Plunkett’s work?

 

CHLOE

I don’t know her.

 

MAX

Let me show you this really cool piece—it’s a door on the floor. I’m Max, by the way.

 

CHLOE

Nice to meet you, Max. I’m Chloe.

 

MAX

No way! Chloe’s the name of the last girl I picked up here! 

(sadly)

She broke my heart.

 

CHLOE

Seriously?

 

MAX

Kidding! 

 

MAX and CHLOE exit as the PROFESSOR enters. Carries a small flag, the kind tour guides use, and a handful of index cards. 

 

PROFESSOR

Let us through! . . . That guard doesn’t scare me! . . . Right this way people! . . . Let us through!

 

The PROFESSOR comes to a stop center stage. Faces the audience.

 

PROFESSOR (CONT’D)

(oozing oily charm)

See—you don’t need an audio guide! I’ll explain everything. Then at the end of our visit, a modest tip would be most appreciated.

(more quietly and conspiratorially)

Just slip it to me when the guard’s not looking. 

(with more confidence)

Okay. Form a tight group . . . Good . . . Look around! That’s right . . .  

(horrified)

No, no—please don’t touch anything! . . .  

(lecturing)

The works on display here typify the state of painting and sculpture today. Note their emphasis on found materials . . . random acts of creation . . . spontaneity. Note, too, how they defy—no, mock—the Hegelian ideal of art. What’s that, you ask? 

(pompously)

Georg [pronounced GAY-ORG] . . . Wilhelm . . . Friedrich . . . Hegel . . . The 19^th century German philosopher. 

(looking off—pleading)

Oh, please don’t go!

(to the audience—disappointed)

I always lose a few people when I bring up Hegel. But let’s move on . . . 

 

The PROFESSOR rummages through his index cards. 

 

PROFESSOR (CONT’D)

Just a moment . . . One moment . . . Trust me—this will be worth it . . . 

 

The PROFESSOR finally finds a card.

 

PROFESSOR (CONT’D)

(triumphantly)

Here we go!

(reading dramatically)

“Artists have always loved the female breast—and who can blame them?” 

(shocked—shuffling some more)

Uh, sorry! Wrong card! . . .  

(finding the right card—sermonizing)

Bingo! You see, you cannot begin to understand art if you don’t understand the philosophy of art—or what we call “aesthetics.” And Hegel—yes, our Hegel—is the gold standard of aestheticians. 

(looking off—pleading)

Not you too? 

(to the audience)

All right, let’s move on to the next gallery and perhaps things will become clearer.

 

The PROFESSOR exits.

 

. . . 

 

END OF EXCERPT