Full-Length Play

It’s nobody’s business.

How far would you go to hold onto the ones you love? Banker Samuel Becker (now retired) has been living in the woods of northeastern Pennsylvania for thirty years (first part time, now full time) with his partner, Gregory Smith, an interior decorator with a big libido and the temperament of a child. Gregory misses their life in the big city, but Samuel has found ways to keep him happy. His strategy starts to unravel when a reporter comes snooping around in this darkly funny mystery play.

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or see EXCERPT below.

LENGTH: 100 minutes (no intermission)

CAST: 7 actors (5M, 2F) playing 8 roles + 2 voices. 

Note: This play may also be cast with 4 actors (3M, 1F), if the actors can play both the older & the younger versions of the main characters.  

SETTING

A rustic but well appointed house in the woods near Milford, PA.

TIME

2005 and 1975

CHARACTERS

Gregory South. Male. 61. Retired interior decorator. Has a big heart and a big libido. Childish, impetuous, and excitable. Samuel's partner.

Samuel Becker. Male. 65. Retired banker. Imperious, articulate, and controlling. Gregory's partner.

Birdy Bock. Female. 51. Housekeeper and hanger-on. Feisty and eccentric.

Young Gregory. Male. 31. 

Young Samuel. Male. 35.

Brittany (Young Birdy). Female. 25. 

Joe Casey. Male. 22. Hitchhiker and recent college graduate. 

Patrick Sheehan. Male. 22. Freelance magazine writer.

Voice (Tony Vescio). Realtor.

Voice (David Acheson). Magazine editor.

PRODUCTION

2018. The Players Ring, Portsmouth, NH, 2018 Late Night Summer Series, August 17-26.

READINGS

2012. Penobscot Theatre Company’s 6th Annual New Work Festival: Northern Writes, Bangor, ME, June. (A series of 3 readings.)

2015. Pulse Ensemble Theatre, New York, NY, April.

2017. The Players Ring, Portsmouth, NH, July.

PHOTOS 

(1) Production at The Players Ring, Portsmouth, NH, 2018: venue, set, and promotional poster.

(2) A series of 3 readings at the Penobscot Theatre Company, Bangor, ME, 2012. 

DIRECTOR: Jon Ferreira, GREGORY: Steve Robbins, SAMUEL: Ron Lisnet, BIRDY: Stephanie Erb, PATRICK/JOE: Brad LaBree, YOUNG GREGORY: Adam Cousions, YOUNG SAMUEL: Gavin Pickering, BRITTANY: Christie Robinson.

 EXCERPT:

SCENE 1

2005—an August afternoon. 

The stage contains the first floor of a rustic but well-appointed house in the woods. The living room dominates the stage. The living room furnishings include antiques, tasteful decorative objects, two armchairs, a sofa, a coffee table, a Persian rug, a bookcase filled with books and boxes, and a cuckoo clock. At stage right sits a small mudroom with tools and gardening implements. Further stage right is the kitchen, with a refrigerator, a sink, and a dish cabinet visible.  There are two doors—the front door and the back door—both of which open into the living room. The back door is upstage center. The front door is stage left. There is a window between the two doors. Visible through the window is a tree, which, on this summer day, is lush and green. All the way stage left, a staircase rises to the second floor.

Samuel sits in an armchair contentedly reading a book. Gregory sits on the sofa staring into space.

GREGORY

(announcing—excited)

I’ve got it! I’m going to do it up in Dutch! 

SAMUEL

(angrily)

I don’t care how you decorate it! I just hope to God this is the last one! 

GREGORY

Of course, you care! You always have very definite opinions about all my houses.

SAMUEL

But I can’t afford to keep doing this.

GREGORY

Nonsense, you have lots of money.

SAMUEL

I don’t have unlimited funds! The taxes alone are going to squeeze me dry. But it’s not just the money. A person can only take so much!

GREGORY

(pouting)

Burst a fella’s balloon, why don’t you?

SAMUEL

Promise me this will be the last one—and I mean it! —and then maybe I’ll be more supportive.

GREGORY

(petulantly, like a child)

Okay, I promise this will be the last one.

SAMUEL

All right, then. You were saying you’re going to do it up in Dutch. No surprise there. 

GREGORY

But I mean early Dutch—you know, like one of the first houses in New York City.

SAMUEL

Okay—that’s a nice twist. 

(professorially)

But you mean New Amsterdam.

GREGORY

Whatever.

SAMUEL

Not whatever! That’s what New York was called when it was Dutch. 

GREGORY

I didn’t know we were playing Jeopardy. 

SAMUEL

(sharply)

Gregory!

GREGORY

Sorry. 

SAMUEL

Now, if you don’t mind, I want to get back to my reading.

GREGORY

Haven’t you finished your Thomas Hardy marathon yet? 

SAMUEL

This is the last book.

GREGORY

I get so lonely when you go away like that.

SAMUEL

I don’t go anywhere! I’m right here.

GREGORY

But your mind goes off to Fictionland. 

SAMUEL

Can you blame me? Things are a lot more pleasant there.

GREGORY

Well, I’m glad you’re almost done.

SAMUEL

Actually, after I finish The Woodlanders, I plan to start in on Trollope—he wrote 47 novels, you know. 

GREGORY

No, Samuel! And what about that house? You said those new neighbors have made a bid on it. If we don’t act fast, we’ll lose it! 

SAMUEL

(proudly and smugly)

I’m way ahead of you, Gregory. I made a counter offer this morning, and they accepted it. The lawyers are already drawing up the papers. 

GREGORY

Oh. You’re amazing, dear.

SAMUEL

No, I’m fed up! Every time, it’s the same story. I buy you a house. I let you fix it up exactly the way you want it—no expense spared. I throw a little celebration party so you can show off, and people can marvel at your talent. Then we seal up the house, and life goes on—until you suddenly need another one. I’ve bought you practically every house within earshot. But now I’m done. 

(more firmly)

I will not do it anymore!

GREGORY

But if I have to be stuck out here in the woods, I’ve got to do something to keep myself entertained.

SAMUEL

(dryly)

Try stamp collecting.

GREGORY

But I’m a people person, darling! I was the belle of the ball at all those soirees we used to attend in the city! Don’t you remember? I wish we still lived down there. 

SAMUEL

Well, that’s hardly practical now, is it?

GREGORY

I know. I know. But no one even comes to visit us anymore. 

SAMUEL

That’s why I throw those little parties.  

GREGORY

Almost no one showed up at the last one.

SAMUEL

Well, I try. 

GREGORY

At least I’ve got the garden to keep me occupied. 

SAMUEL

And you do a magnificent job with it. Now—please—back to my book.

Samuel resumes reading. Birdy charges in through the front door carrying a large shovel. 

SAMUEL

(crying out)

House Rule: Don’t bring that shovel through the front door!

Birdy turns around. Throws the shovel outside. Rushes to mudroom. Grabs a BB rifle. Goes to the door again. Fires the rifle out into the woods.

BIRDY

Damn! Now I missed!

Birdy closes the door. Puts the rifle away. Starts to head to the kitchen.

SAMUEL

Shovel!

Birdy grudgingly goes out the front door. Re-enters through the back door with the shovel. Puts the shovel away in the mudroom.

SAMUEL

Birdy, were you shooting at the new neighbors?

BIRDY

(entering the living room)

The Marcovics? No, it’s just their ugly mutt of a dog! If they fed him properly, he wouldn’t go foraging around in our garden. 

GREGORY

(upset)

Has he been tramping on my flowerbeds?

BIRDY

Yes! And he’s probably scaring Mr. Wiggles in the process. Poor Mr. Wiggles. You haven’t seen the Wigster lately, have you?

SAMUEL

I stopped caring about the comings and goings of your pussy long ago.

Birdy sits.

BIRDY

(sitting)

They’re from Croatia, you know. 

SAMUEL

(reading)

No, I don’t know. Or care. 

BIRDY

(nattering on)

Stanislav is just dreamy! But that wife of his—“Ivona”*! [*pronounced ee-VŌ-na] What a vampire! Though I kinda feel sorry for her. I tell you, after what those people went through back in their old country—what was it again? Some sort of war or something? You know, military conflict can really mess a person up. Did I ever tell you about my crazy Uncle Wilbur? Well, he wasn’t crazy before he went to Korea. He was just sort 

of . . .   

SAMUEL

(cutting her off)

Quiet!

BIRDY

(obediently)

Sorry.

(more quietly to Gregory)

Gregory, maybe we should reach out to them. Bring them a fruit basket or something.

SAMUEL

Just leave them alone! I don’t want to make friends. That’s why we live in the woods. And I’ll give Gregory credit for one thing—all his projects have added 40 acres to our property.

GREGORY

Make up your mind—do you want me to stop or not?

SAMUEL

Of course, I want you to stop! All I mean is—having all that space between us and the rest of the world helps keep us safe. So, please don’t anyone get chummy with those new people at the end of the road!

BIRDY

He’s right. Imagine if we’d had neighbors snooping around during the last . . . you know.

SAMUEL

Don’t get me started again! I’m at my wits’ end! 

GREGORY

I told you—it wasn’t my fault! 

Gregory starts to heave and shake. He’s having a panic attack. 

GREGORY

Wasn’t my . . .! My . . . huh . . . my . . . huh . . . oh . . . oh.!

SAMUEL

(matter-of-factly)

Breathe, Gregory. Slowly. In and out. 

Gregory takes some breaths. Finally calms down.

GREGORY

I’m sorry. These attacks seem to be getting worse.

SAMUEL

Just remember to breathe. 

BIRDY

Maybe if you were nicer to him.

SAMUEL

Stop!

BIRDY

I’m sorry, but he’s right—it wasn’t his fault. And I Ajaxed and Swiffered everything all up! Oh, hey, let’s get one of those magic wring mop things from that infomercial. It looks absolutely decadent! I bet next time I could clean things up twice as fast with one of those thingamabobs.

SAMUEL

There’s not going to be a next time—and we still have to deal with our visitor from Holland.

BIRDY

Well, my Lord and Master, that’s your job! I’ve got my hands full taking care of Joe.

SAMUEL

(mocking)

Yes, good ole Joe.

The cuckoo clock chimes. 

BIRDY

(bellowing)

Teatime! All right, denizens of the Kingdom of Samuel—who wants tea today?

SAMUEL

Not I, thank you!

BIRDY

Joe asked for black raspberry.

GREGORY

I’ll have the same, Birdy!

Birdy gets up.

BIRDY

(to Gregory—concerned)

How’s the leg today?

GREGORY

Behaving itself, thanks for asking. 

BIRDY

You gotta take care of that. Oh, before I forget! Watch this—I’ve been practicing something for our next party.

Birdy starts to do a little dance. 

BIRDY 

(singing)

“I’m a little windmill—short and stout . . . These are my blades—watch them twirl about!” Cute, huh?

Birdy laughs and continues dancing and twirling as she exits through the back door. 

SAMUEL

That woman gets stranger every year.

GREGORY

I think she’s delightful and entertaining.

SAMUEL

But she’s so flighty and unpredictable. 

GREGORY

(a realization)

Hey—you’re right! She’s supposed to be going to get tea for me and Joe!

SAMUEL

I’m sure Joe won’t mind. By the way, those new people flagged me down this morning to complain about that mangy cat of Birdy’s. Apparently, it keeps wandering onto their property.

GREGORY

Why didn’t you tell her?

SAMUEL

I didn’t want to start another Croatian war! Things were so peaceful before she entered our lives. Don’t you remember?   

GREGORY

Peace and quiet have never been my top priorities.  

SAMUEL

(tenderly)

But you agreed to settle here. You chose the house.

 GREGORY

That’s because I saw how happy it made you. I wanted you to be happy. I loved you.

SAMUEL

Past tense?

GREGORY

Past, present, and future, sweetheart. 

SAMUEL

I love you, too.

Samuel goes over to kiss Gregory. They hug. 

SAMUEL

It hasn’t been so bad, has it? I finance all your little projects. And how many other men would stand by and let their partner make special friends the way I have? 

Samuel sits back down.

SAMUEL

I’ve never complained. Going all the way back to the first one.

GREGORY

Well, he was your friend as much as mine.

SAMUEL

(a happy memory)

Yes, he was!

Samuel resumes his reading.

BIRDY

(from outside)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Birdy storms in through the front door, leaving it open behind her.

BIRDY

(crying)

Those monsters!

SAMUEL

House Rule: Close the door behind you! We don’t live in a barn!

BIRDY

I’m not the animal around here! Come look at what those new neighbors have done!

SAMUEL

I’m reading.

Birdy grabs Samuel’s book out of his hands. Tosses it outside.

BIRDY

And now you’re not!

SAMUEL

(standing)

Upstairs! Now!

BIRDY

(pleading)

You can punish me later. Please—just come look!

Samuel goes to the front door. Looks outside. 

BIRDY

(crying)

Look what they’ve done to Mr. Wiggles! They’ve slashed his poor little pussy throat!

SAMUEL

Well, don’t just leave him there. Clean up this mess!

GREGORY

(horrified)

Samuel! 

(to Birdy, kindly)

I’ll take care of it, Birdy.

BIRDY

I loved that cat! 

GREGORY

I know you did.

BIRDY

How could anyone do such an awful thing?

GREGORY

(comforting Birdy)

There, there! 

BIRDY

(hopefully)

Hey, can he get his own house, too?

GREGORY

I’ll see what I can do.

END OF SCENE